What am I doing with myself?

I’ve been unemployed for about a month (a little bit more than a month now), and sometimes I sit back and wonder what I am doing with myself and how I should feel bad that I’m wasting my days away.

To backtrack, I decided to leave my job around mid-September for various reasons. Despite the fact that I had been unhappy about various aspects of my job, I unfortunately also developed some pretty sudden carpal tunnel in my hands. It was a hard (and quite honestly, scary) decision, but it was one that I made with the full support of my significant other. In a way, it was kind of nice knowing that I’ll have a break and have some time to myself to really re-evaluate my professional life and what I want to do.

Unfortunately, along with it being scary floating out here in the unknown with no jobs in the pipeline, I’ve had many bouts of apprehension and depression, coming in and out like tidal waves in the sea. There are some days where I feel sorry for myself and other days where I get frustrated at my inability to be as productive as I thought I would be without a job stopping me. It’s hard sometimes, knowing that I’m at home day after day and really not having ANYTHING to show for it – whether it’s more blog posts or a cleaner house or some strange, new hobby I’ve acquired. But I know that it’s normal to go through this. At the end of the day, I am a thinker. I’m logical. I need to have plans fully formed with alternative routes. Without these, I really do feel like I’m lost at sea and it becomes hard for me to concentrate.

I’m glad to say that after a month, I think I’m finally ready. I’m ready to start looking for THAT day-to-day job (hopefully in infosec?) that will keep me occupied and constantly learning during the day. And then after work, after I get my paycheck and feel satisfied that I’m contributing to the workforce in the way that I should be, I can become productive again and do the other things that I like to do – the blogging, the writing, the drawing. Whatever it’s supposed to be.

I know that this is coming off more of a rambling sort of complaint, but I think I needed it. It’s a catharsis of sorts. I want to be able to come out and say that everything will be ok. And know that it will be ok. And know that I’m lucky for what I have right now and that all it takes for me to be successful is a little bit of faith and a lot of action. No matter how much I think about it, if I’m just sitting on my butt doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself, nothing will ever be accomplished.

I’m not the type of person to fail and sit around and feel sorry for myself. It’s time to pick it back up.

And it’s right in time for NaNoWriMo. Maybe concentrating on writing a novel for the next month will help shove me in the right direction.

And just in time too, since my 25th birthday was just yesterday.

Categories: Personal