Getting a little headspace…

The last two weeks have been a little bit of a rollercoaster of frustration and negative emotions. I’ll be leaving this upcoming Monday for a 3-week international audit in Europe, which luckily are with a few coworkers who are enjoyable enough to be around. However, we’re right in the middle of wedding planning, and everything seemed to converge on us two weekends ago.

Due to some rather poor planning (I’m still not quite sure if it’s on our part or not), some family members were unable to accept the fact that our wedding venue had a max capacity that would not allow for us to have everybody on our original guest list to attend. Because of this, we wanted to scale it back (by about 35-50%, so it was rather significant), but at the end of the day, all that came about were huge blowout fights and a lot of negative emotions. Afterwards, we came to a conclusion of what we needed to do and decided that it would be best to split up the weddings in two: one a more cultural and less formal arrangement where everyone could be invited and come to, and the more formal ideal wedding that both me and my fiancé wanted to have. You’d think that after that point, I’d feel relief and everything would be better and much easier.

Nope. At that time, I became stressed out over the money it would cost. How we had to purchase two sets of invitations (who knew a piece of paper could cost HUNDREDS of dollars), two white dresses, book two caterers, two different photographers…… And I just didn’t know when the stress was going to end.

Add to that my ever-present loathing and annoyance at the “Bad Boss”, as well as having to prep for the audit I’ll be traveling to in the next few days… Everything was becoming more and more stressful by the moment.

And then the news came. One of my dearest and closest friends (and one of my bridesmaids) was sick and has been trying to figure out what was wrong for awhile now. And I knew she went in to get tests done again. And a final result would come anytime. So one day she let a group of her close friends know that she found out she had cancer. On a day that everybody else was celebrating the birth of the son of some of our friends.

At that point, I felt like everything slowed down to a stop.

All the things I were stressed out about suddenly became so small and unimportant. Anger that I held against other people didn’t really matter. I couldn’t have cared less that I was going to be traveling in the next few days when usually I would be anxious and upset about it.

All that mattered to me is that one of my best friends was dealing with something much bigger than any of your everyday, trivial, stupid problems. And I knew I wanted to be there for her. And I’m happy that other people that we know feel the same way and we’re all working together to provide her something tangible to show how much we care about her and love her and support her. And we can’t wait to see the day where she says she’s kicked its ass and doesn’t have to worry about it anymore.

But all of these issues and these negative emotions can weigh down on a person. And my fiancé has been telling me over the past few days that he read an article about meditation and that I should consider doing it. I’ve pretty much brushed it off. I get where he’s coming from, I understand the concept of it (I am Buddhist, after all…), but I just didn’t want to commit to putting any time into it when there were other things I wanted to try out (at least TELL myself to try out) to help with stress (hello working out!). Of course, maybe that was just an excuse…

So last night on accident, somehow or another I stumbled upon the meditation apps for your phone. With technology the way it is these days, for better or for worse, it sure throws all your excuses out the window when you can just download something and try it out on your phone whenever and wherever you are.

So I started poking around with different meditation apps. Most of them were pretty highly rated, but they were all so ugly looking and I wasn’t sure if some others were what I were looking for. And then I stumbled upon Headspace and couldn’t say no to something that obviously looked like someone spent a lot of time developing, animating, and really putting together. Meditation for the masses, you say? Created by a certifiable Tibetan Monk? And why are all these animations so good? And his voice does sound nice and calming……

So I tried it just a little while ago, the first day of the 10-day trial. And it was niceReally nice. After the ten minutes, part of which I spent wondering if I was even doing it right, I felt this pleasant sort of deep calm. Where I just sat there and was like “Hmm… I feel relaxed. Should I nap?”

And it was bizarre. And probably the first time in a very long time where I felt like this.

My mind is constantly overworked and my body is always feeling a constant stream of stress (sometimes more powerful than normal, but it’s always there). I know that it’s bad and I need to really take a chill pill and relax… But I just haven’t ever found a good outlet for that. And I wonder if this is something that might work.

Mind you, it is really pricey. Which is why I am tentatively trying it out. But this feeling of relaxation and calmness would be worth it.

Categories: Personal